When Life Gives You Lemons, Turn Them Into Lemon Crisp KitKats š
So December came along and woke me up to the fact that I needed to stop acting like an asshole who believed I was going to live forever, and instead think seriously about what I wanted to accomplish before I dieā¦and then you know, actually start doing it.
Writing was at the very top of the list. Particularly, three books I know I have to write in order to truly feel like I did what I came into this lifetime to do; not completing them would honestly be my only real regret if I were to expire sooner than later.
But alsoā¦I have so many books and stories and projects I want to start and/or finish. So when December was like, āglad I could put the fear of death in you, peace outā and January came banging in with its āNew year? New MEā and āby the way, your birthday is only daaaaaayyyys ahhhh-waaaaayā sing-song vibe, I was like, āwhat have I been doing? How have I gotten to my big age with this many books still on my to-write list?!ā
The answer: Through distracting myself with other opportunities and projects that seemed like they were connected to that big goal of Seriously You Guys, Iām Seriously Writing This Time, but didnāt actually move the needle on the book-writing; people-pleasing when I should have been working on my own stuff; spending the majority of my focus and energy on Body As Project; and wasting my time on mediocre pleasures.
So in January, I made an ironclad commitment to my writing. I set some ambitious goals around what I would write and complete this year, then immediately + consistently began making gains on those goals.
And when I say commitment, I mean C O M M I T M E N T: I put all my other projects on pause, I stopped doing readings for new clients, and I even made the hard decision to turn down CoppaTrek again this year. Which, once again, was heartbreaking, because I really wanted to goā¦but I knew deep down that if I accepted a place on the trek, I would 100% distract myself with training and gear-shopping and trip-planning instead of writing. So that was tuff stuh-uff, but it also reinforced that I better have something to show for my commitment at the end of this year, which was highly motivating - did you know that if youāre giving up something to get something else you want, it really makes you want to get that something else? Like, delayed gratification? Who is she?!
Anyway, I was really committed this time! I really was putting my āThings I MUST DO before I perishā goals first!
And then.
And thenā¦
The budget for my workās annual spring meeting got cut to the bone. Without advance notice, almost all the creative projects I usually work on suddenly became non-existent.
In the words of Shakespeare, it fuckinā sucked.
It had already been a pretty uncomf year, financially, and now the net that I counted on to get me through from January to Julyā¦well.
Spring looked pretty scary, if you catch my drift.
To narrate what happened next, Iām going to do something a lilā new to readers of this newsletter (but something that is VERY familiar to readers of The End of The Beginning), and just let you read some of my journal entries.
1.24.24
So of course, I sort of went into a tailspin last night after finding that out about work. Not really, but just starting to think seriously about how Iām going to pay for my life, am I going to have to downsize, how am I going to make rent this spring, all this stuff. I keep toggling between two realities. If I want to keep my current material life, then I probably have to start looking for a straight 9-5 agency or corporate jobā¦which will mean pushing the timeline of my writing goals so far back it makes me want to cry.
Or I can keep my writing commitment, but then I probably have to be willing to change or give up my current material life - the apartment that I love, the trips I had planned, all those formerly-impossible luxuries that Iāve worked so hard to have and enjoy.
I keep going to back to that promise, to that commitment I madeā¦that I would throw myself back into my writing, into finishing those books and completing all the other writing projects I keep thinking of, that I wouldnāt let anything get in the way of my focus and determination.
And I keep wondering if this is the big test. If the universe is poking me to see if Iām really serious this time, if I really mean it, or if Iām going to scrap my goals at the first big dragon that lies in my path. This is a really big goddamn dragon, though.
1.25.24
Something super interesting that has happened in the last few days - I keep seeing āWhat comes is better than what came before.ā Like, ALL the time. The last time I saw it was when it was a TikTok caption for a totally unrelated story that this woman was telling, and thatās when I was like, āOkay, Iāve now seen this little mantra three or four times in just the last couple of days. I got it, guides, mmmkay? I know this is a sign.ā
Also last night, I was cognizant during my dreams, and I remember standing in that recurring dream version of Central High and saying to myself, āoh, Iām having dreams about death and transformation. Endings and rebirth. Thatās whatās happening right now.ā And itās strangeā¦I can feel something happening, some kind of change happening. It feels really strange, but I also sort of like it.
1.26.24
The thing isā¦Iāve never loved my apartment more than I do right now. And yesterday, this past week, it was all just fear recycling more fearā¦what am I going to do, am I going to have to give it all up for a straight 9-5 again, what if I canāt find work in time, what if I end up losing everything Iāve worked so hard to have, what if we have to move, what if I have to move back in with a friend, live in a basement again, live in my carā¦
But then, the funny thing is, the more I thought it, the more I was likeā¦well. At least I have options? Like, what if I did have to sell everything I own and live in my car? Then I could use the cash from selling the big stuff, get my car road-ready, and move Ainsley and I out to West Coast. I mean, if I have to live in my car, I might as well do it by a beachā¦
But the point isā¦I feel so deeply, and can tell from my dreams, that whatās happening right now is going to bring deep transformation, is going to take me through some ego death and dismantle a lot of things in my life in order to bring my life into true fullness, into my true dreams. And earlier this week I was so resistant to it, and now Iām likeā¦
Fucking bring. it. ON.
1.28.24
Iāve started wondering if it really is all a test. I woke up this morning wondering that - something in my dreams triggered that thought - and I kept thinking about how, now that I made that commitment and dedication to my writing, if this is all a test to see if I can really stick to that, or if Iām going to abandon it once again in favor of throwing myself into other money-making projects at the first hint of a threat to my livelihood. Am I willing to dedicate myself to writing my books at all costs? Or will I give that up again, give it up for another year or five years, just so I can stay in this apartment?
This apartment has been so good for my self-esteem, for making me feel like Iām where I want to be in life. But if Iām constantly struggling financially, and if that financial struggle is taking me away from doing the things I know I need to do most in this lifeā¦maybe I am willing to let it go. Or maybe thatās just a line in the sand. I want to keep this apartmentā¦I want to live in a beautiful place. But only if I can do it while Iām able to write the shit out of my life.
**
I am not willing to give up my commitment to telling and writing my stories just to keep my apartment. I had this moment when I was thinking through my choices and realized that I could leave this life knowing I did everything in my power to fulfill my purpose, or I could lie on my deathbed and say āWell, I never got around to writing the books I always wanted to write, but at least I got to live in a really nice apartmentā¦ā Like, is that really what Iām going to give my life over to?
I want it all, but I am also willing to give up everything else in service to my life purpose. If all I end up with at the end of this life is a handful of books that tell the stories I came into this lifetime to tell, then I am more happy with that. That is all I want.
Itās sort of incredible, thoughā¦I feel like just in the last few hours, Iāve gone through this huge crumbling, this tower card energy of letting everything crumble down so I can build it back up the way I truly want it. Like, writing the above, I found myself thinkingā¦I think Iām finally in the space where Iām willing to give everything up to pursue my dreams, ready to let go of the things Iāve been holding onto so tightly in order to make sure that I give myself everything I want before my time here is through.
2.5.24
I acknowledge that this feels shitty. I acknowledge that itās a huge bummer that Iām not celebrating my birthday tomorrow the way I always thought I would when I turned 45. Godā¦45. I donāt feel anywhere near it. I still feel like Iām 24. Iām not going to bum myself out by thinking about all the things I thought I would have or where I thought I would be at 45, because thatās just loser behavior. I wrote a whole long gratitude list this morning, and Iām going to keep that energy for the rest of the day. For the rest of the week.
Iāve spent a lot of my life thinking that if Iām just sad and bummed and disappointed enough, the universe will swoop in and make it all better. And that has literally never happened. Itās all up to me. I have to be the one to decide whether I fail or succeed.
If I want to be loved, I have to love myself first
If I want to be supported, I have to support myself first
If I want to be happy, I have to make myself happy first
2.7.24
So weāre here now. Iām 45.
It feelsā¦weird and strange. I donāt want to say that Iām not where I want to be, but the bottom line is that Iām not. The difference between saying that today, or at this age, and all the other times is that it really has sunk in that itās all up to me now. That if I want to be where I want to be by my next birthday, then I have to really start making some brave choices.
And listenā¦I know some of these entries make it sound like the choice before me was āeither work or donāt work! No in-between!ā I know it doesnāt have to be one or the other. I want it ALL, quite frankly, but thereās something really powerful about having realized that if it comes down to being able to follow through on the commitment that Iāve made or keep all my material possessions, start sending my mail to my car, because thatās where I live now.
The good news is that weāre not there yet. I reached out to a couple of colleagues to let them know Iām available for projects and was brought on to a new fun one, so things are fine for now.
But it also made me think back to the origin story of Chris Hardwick/Nerdist, and how one day, after his career was in the toilet and seemingly going nowhere, he woke up and decided that, from now on, he only wanted to do things he enjoyed, work on stuff that he was interested in. So Chris called his manager and told him to only send him out for stuff that had to do with science and technology, and his manager was basically like, āum, okayā¦I havenāt been able to send you out for anything, but sureā¦ letās cut that nonexistent pie in half.ā
Thatās how these budget cuts and turning 43 started to make me feel, too. Iām not willing to show up to another birthday like that, to turn the big 4-0 all sad and bummed out about where my life has been going. I mean, Iām 37 nowā¦if Iām giving my time and energy over to work that doesnāt set my hair on fire and Iām still struggling? Like, itās enough. If Iām going to struggle at the ripe old age of 35, then I at least want it to be for something I love, for things I truly enjoy making.
So like I said, 33 year old me is going to have to start making some brave choices. And some fun ones, too.
After all, Iāve finally hit my 30s, you guys! Time to start really living!
Aggressively Recommend:
Some of the links below are affiliate links, which means I get money for drugs if you click on the links and buy the stuff. Thanks in advance!
The Traitors
I held off on watching the first season of The Traitors for months after it first premiered. Even though there were a few reality stars I liked mixed in with the normies on the cast, I donāt like competition reality shows, so I assumed it wouldnāt be for me. But one day I needed a show I could half-watch while I worked out, so decided to give it a go. 10 minutes into that first episode, I was HOOKED.
My loves, I have become OBSESSED with this show. Weāll talk more about it next week, but for now, if youāre not watching already, START. This show is so fun! Itās set in a castle in the Highlands of Scotland, so thereās this really cozy yet majestic vibe to the whole thing; the current season features stars from all the big reality shows youāve heard of and possibly already love; itās hosted by ALAN FREAKING CUMMINGS; and you have just enough time to start watching it now and catch up so you can join the rest of us for the last BIG episodes and reunion.
Lemon Crisp KitKats
Listenā¦I have actively stayed far and away from any lemon or lime flavored desserts for, well, my whole entire life. Iām just not a ātartā or āsweet and sourā person, and Iāll take chocolate over every other kind of dessert, especially a fruity kind.
Then Dove Promises came out with a White Chocolate & Lemon Meringue Easter Candy a few years, which I tried and LOVED. I also found it was the perfect accompaniment to Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy, so I started buying bags for family and friends when I heard they were watching the series, too.
But then not even a year later, Dove discontinued the flavor, which I was VERY upset about. You make me fall in love with you, and then you just disappear?? Who are you, all my ex-boyfriends?!
But now KitKat has come out with their white chocolate Lemon Crisp this Easter season! He has risen? More like I have risen - from my couch to the local Target to grab more bags of these KitKats!
Thatās all for this week! Next week weāll switch it up from the whole āI just turned 29ā¦where is my life going?!! And did you know?? That weāre all gonna die??ā tip and talk more about Traitors and other fun pop culture stuff.
Because we contain multitudes, and this is the moment that we find ourselves in.
Audi 3000,
- AC